28 Ways to Kill Your Neighbor

by Ben Gleib

Lots of us want to kill our neighbors. Here’s how!

1. Push him down the stairs.
2. Poison his coffee.
3. Convince him he’s dying. I mean really convince him.
4. Encourage diseased hamsters to run amok in his apartment.
   (I heard you could die from that.)
5. Stab him.
6. Make him watch any show on the Disney channel.
7. Watch an episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” with him. Then when it’s done, turn to him and say, “I wonder when they’re gonna solve your mystery.” When he gets freaked out, say your just kidding. Then when he relaxes again…Kill him with a broom.
8. Let a cat loose in his bedroom. (This works best if he has a cat allergy that is fatal.)
9. Hire a hitman.
10. Smile at him in a very creepy way for 30 consecutive hours until he kills himself.
11. If your neighbor is easily swayed by peer pressure, tell him all his friends just jumped off a bridge.
12. Push him off a bridge yourself. For this one, you can either
    a) Follow him to a bridge. Or
    b) Pick out a random bridge he might someday cross, and wait.
13. Put needles in his Halloween candy. Then go over to his house and continually say, “Man, that candy looks good! I’m full, but you should have some.”
14. Hire a prostitute to f*ck him to death. (This is only if you also kinda like him.)
15. Get him into a persistive vegetative state, and just bide your time. After several years, you will be allowed to pull the plug. Congress may get involved, but they won’t stop it.
16. Introduce him to Robert Blake.
17. Get into his apartment and leave banana peels EVERYWHERE!!!
18. Choke him to death.
19. Make him listen to nothing but Tori Amos and Avril Lavigne.
20. Send him to Iraq.
21. Replace his powdered sugar with Anthrax! (For $39.95 I’ll sell you a map to Anthrax selling farms. Or for $42.50, I’ll sell you a map to Anthrax selling farms and celebrity homes!)
22. Poke out his eyes with twisty straws.
23. Send him on vacation to Aruba.
24. Fill his apartment with water, and then unleash deadly eels.
    (If he can’t swim, save money on the eels.)
25. Tell a street gang he called their bandanas gay.
26. Spray him in the face with death spray.
    (Although this is bad for the environment.)
27. Take him bungee jumping, and tell him it’s really extreme if you don’t use the bungee.
28. Or, lastly, shoot him in the face.
    

Good luck everybody!